Wrecked car

In other words deer like to hit my vehicles. After just having a conversation that went something like this: "I am totally a good driver. I haven't had an accident in like forever. Except for that deer thing last fall. But that totally doesn't count. Because it was a deer" I have now found that deer seem to be attracted to my car. Or to me actually because it was a different car that was hit last fall.

The deer ran out and hit the driver's side of my car. My seatbelt killed my pacemaker because it sits right on top of it. I felt like I couldn't breath. Headed to the ER to make sure all was well with pacer since it was extremely painful. All is BTW.

Now I am trying to deal with my stupid car. It's not terrible. It's driveable. But the door doesn't open all the way. UGH. I have terrible luck really.

Sounding board?

I have used this blog as a definite sounding board. I've always questioned just how much to put out there, usually deciding on all of it. Because I'm not the type of person to hold back whether anyone likes it or not. I have had several posts about the people in my life and how I've been happy with them, disappointed in them, sad about our relationships, ect.

And over and over again I've come to the same conclusion. I know who I am. I know the kind of person I am. I know that I would do anything for you even if you are a mortal enemy of mine. I will always make the effort to be friendly with everyone. I will never backstab you, never hurt you on purpose (unless I really hate you, then I might daydream about it). And that is for anyone regardless of our relationship. I'm the best kind of friend you could ask for because I stake my life on my relationships with people.

So it pains me in an outrageous amount when I am attacked. When my integrity is attacked. When people don't believe me.

And, if for some reason I'm not enough for you then you are free to leave. If for some reason you feel that you have reason to not believe in me then I have nothing left for you.

It sucks so bad to lose people close to me because of stupidity of other's, but I just don't have time for drama in the midst of my life. I am happy-go-lucky. I have fun, and pain doesn't sit well with me. If you have a problem with me I'll gladly talk to you about it, but if that isn't enough for you then there is really nothing more I can do.

It's been my philosophy from the beginning of this year on: I can only please myself. Everyone else has to get in line.

Lost

I had a big long post about instincts, but for some reason I didn't feel that it accurately represented my actual emotions right now. And they are all over the place, so bare with me....it's going to be a rough post.

The only thing I know is that my instincts are gone. I used to think that I knew things, that I knew how to read people, that I knew how to trust people. I'm not exactly sure what I am doing now-a-days.

I am getting told one thing by people, another by someone else, and yet another by someone else. My life is getting attacked at every turn, my marriage, my husband, my fidelity, my heart, and my honor.

I don't know what to make of it all. I'm a strong individual...I say what I mean and you can bet that I mean what I say. I don't play games. I can't lie--the truth is always written all over my face.

To say that I don't know where my life is headed, where it needs to be headed, or where God is leading me is an understatement. I will continue to pray for guidance in dealing with what has been dealt me. I am sad that things are the way they are, but there has to be a rainbow somewhere, right?

Oh good grief!

So my little pup has been not feeling so hot. I attributed her vomit and diarrhea to a severe case of separation anxiety. I mean, going from a house with two rough and tumble boys under the age of 3, 4 brother and sister puppies, a momma dog, and several new puppies just born last week to a home with two lazy people and a lazy dog would be enough to drive anyone over the edge. So I was about the call the breeder today to find out if this is normal with this breed of dog when she called me to check on Briar. And low and behold, Briar's brother and sisters are sick. Rather than trust her opinion of what is wrong with them I head to the vet and find that she has hookworms! OMG. So, her little tale about deworming them every two weeks was a big fat lie, unless she was deworming them for a reason.....

Now I'm concerned with Briar's vet records and am going to have to work on getting those directly from the vet tomorrow. Because I don't trust the breeeder. And I'm an extremely trusting person. Obviously. I don't assume anyone is going to screw me over until they do and I'm left with my heart in my hands going "hey, where did the asshole come from?"

The good news is that it is just hookworms, nothing terribly serious. Some medicine today, some more in a couple of weeks and hopefully I have a happy-go-lucky puppy.

My new love

So my birthday is coming up (hint hint, plug plug) and I got my present a little early. Ok, alot early. But I couldn't help it!





This is Briar. She is a French Brittany Spaniel. We are still working on a middle name for her, but I'm leaning toward Lucille. Briar Lucille. I think it's cute.

Anyways, she's quite the little butt-hole for sure. I'm so not used to a puppy seeing as we have had Amber for 9 years now and she is old and could care less about things such as jumping up on the table, chewing the furniture, chewing my toes, chewing my fingers, chewing my baskets, chewing EVERYTHING!

That's ok, I apparently needed another project according to JD. Because remodeling the house, finishing up landscaping, enjoying my summer and year off from school, organizing our crap, oh and working....I guess that just wasn't enough. Phooey.

Here's some more pictures with of course more to follow because I'm a picture taking fool.





Oh a couple of me and my new extreme red hair. Yes, it's red.







See, I told you guys I'm a picture taking fool.

My list

Ok, after a few not-so-subtle requests (did I mention I love my friends!) I have decided to post my list. Here goes starting with the lovely suggestions from new mommy Fawn:

1. Being able to get up & go w/out bringing a whole carload just to the shopping mall.
2. Sleep.
3. Taking peaceful shits.
4. Being able to have sex w/ JD whenever & wherever you like.
5. The obvious: being able to go wherever whenever.
6. Having peaceful meals without screaming kids—it seems like no matter where I go kids are always crying while I am trying to eat and talk.
7. None of the embarrassing worrying about my kids crying while others are trying to eat, haha!
8. More money for toys—which I love!
9. More time to play with toys—which I love even more!
10. Too much drama in the world—raising myself scares me enough without trying to keep my kids from turning crazy in the middle of the night and blowing my brains out with a sawed-off shotgun.
11. Did I mention I love having my own time to do whatever I want?
12. Did I mention that I love spending time with JD and enjoying our marriage?
13. Silence….I enjoy no noise. I really like being able to get off of work and sit in my house with complete silence.
14. Baths—they are my favorite and I take at least one each and every day. Lllooonnnggg baths while reading.
15. Keeping my body to myself. May sound selfish, but after all I’ve given of my body in order to have a child I am happy to say that I am readily taking it back over. Need weight loss, no more needle pokes, and no more dildo cams. My body is mine again.
16. Sex. Did I mention I love spending time with JD? How many times have I heard horror stories about new moms who don’t want anything to do with their husbands? LOTS! TOO MANY! Only once in a year? No flippin way!
17. I can put whatever I want to in my house. I can have a white suede sofa (which I do) and a white suede over-sized chair. I can have breakables and any plant I want. I can keep my house looking nice without having to clean it every day. And without having to have tons of little toys all around to step on.
18. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Cookies for supper? Bring it! Cookies for breakfast? Why not!
19. Sleep! I like to sleep! A LOT!
20. When I am sick and I can be sick. Not having to worry about taking care of anyone else at the same time.
21. Living where I want without having to think about school districts and babysitters.
22. No diapers, no poop, no snot, no diarrhea, no vomit, or any other disgusting thing that kids do.
23. Being able to listen to and watch whatever I want, rather than watching stupid kiddie shows like Spongebob. Which I hate BTW.
24. My pets! I can have whatever pet I want and it can roam around my house at it sees fit.
25. When I need a kid fix I can grab up my nieces or nephew and play all day. Then they can be sent home when I am done.

Seriously there are a ton of reasons to be a parent. I have spent countless hours and dollars on that pursuit. But I am discovering a whole new world (yup, I still like Disney movies!). This is a world in which I come first, where my marriage comes first, and where I am actually happy with my life instead being unhappy without a kid.

I definitely think that people should only have kids if they are absolutely sure. Both partners absolutely sure that is. Because you can always change your mind about having them (even if you are too old biologically there’s always adoption as I’ve been told many-a-time), but you cannot change your mind once they are here.

And, how many times have you actually heard someone say that having kids is so worth it? I’m guessing several. But worth what? And why is it worth it? When most parents are stressed, running from this to that, dealing with whining and crying they don’t seem happy. They don’t talk like they are happy. So is it really worth it? Or is it just as good to have my nieces and nephew?

My opinion? Kelsea, Lilli, Chloe, Mary, and Braeden are all I need right now.

Childless....or childfree?

Lately I've been looking up some information on living childfree online. I guess I wanted to see what kind of forums are available for people (women really) without kids to talk on. You know, what it is like being an adult married (or not sometimes) woman without kids in a world dominated by mommies. I found alot of interesting things, but the most interesting that I found is that there is an entire movement for women who do not want kids. A childfree movement. There is such a mix of people in this movement, but the majority that I read is about people who really don't want kids. Which is what I expected to find by people who choose to be childfree.

To tell you the truth, it has helped me tremendously to read the blogs from these women. I am definitely a "look at the bright side" optimistic kind of person, but it is hard to find the bright side of infertility. It is hard to find what makes it ok. But there are definite bright sides. So I am starting my own list. Something I can go back and read later when I find myself thinking that there is no possible way I can find anything good from being childfree. I may post it later.

Job Blues

I don't know how appropriate it is to talk about my job so much on my blog, but I've got the job blues. Or a really bad case of burn-out. I have decided that I do not like starting new programs. In fact, I could say that I downright hate it. I'm not against work, but in this environment no amount of determination will make some things work out right. I had faith that "no problem, I got this" but I don't feel that way anymore.

I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!

In heart-related news....

There is no news. They (they being the experts who call themselves cardiologists and electrophysiologists--you know, those smart people) have no idea what's happening with me. The racing heart is random, new, of unknown origin, and confusing to all involved. One episode was all I got for a month's worth of rashes from the heart monitor (I'm still scraping sticky stuff off of me). One episode where my heart rate was 140. Strange? Yes. But doesn't tell anyone a whole lot.

Also got the results from the echo which show a heart that is working just fine. My mitral valve prolapse is still there, just some slight thickening of the valve, nothing worse than before really. So no new information from that.

And, what I would normally be very proud of--I've stumped the experts!!!--I'm not so happy about.

I was given three options:

1. Wait and see. My favorite of all the options mostly because I'm lazy and tired of being a girl with a heart condition and doctors who can't figure it out.

2. Try medication. Definitely better than #3, but not as good as #1. There are a couple different ways to go here.
Option 2A is a beta blocker. Been on one before (Toprol) and hated it. Beta-blockers slow the heart rate and I really don't need to be slowed down any more than I already am. When I was on it before I barely wanted to move. Supposedly there is a new one that I can try that has less side-effects. Its a possibility, but I'm not into it right now. Its summertime---I can't be lazing around!
Option 2B is another treatment I've had before. Zoloft. My first cardiologist put me on it because of my diagnosis of neurocardiogenic syncope. Which I guess is a like a hormonal issue that causes electrical problems in the heart. The first cardio said I would have to be on it or something like it for the rest of my life. I disagreed. I decided that I wasn't depressed so I took myself off of it.

(Are you figuring out that I'm a bad patient?)

So this nurse practioner (who I am more fond of than my actual doctor) thinks that was a bad idea. She thought maybe it would help to go back on it.

3. An EP Study. (aka: WTF-scary-shit! aka: uhn-uh...no way...not happening to me). So how she described this to me was that basically they numb you up and put a catheter in your artery (groin or neck...that's the first part where my face said "you are crazy lady") then wind up into your heart and electrically stimulate it in different parts to try to induce arrythmia's (this time I'm sure my face said "no seriously, you are crazy"). Then, if they find that the same pattern is happening over and over again (I mean...over and over again?!?! This cannot be fun) they will then find the origination of the problem and ablate it (my face must have said "WTF is ablation" because she then said) "oh, that's where they burn the originating place in the heart ("no I'M F*ing SERIOUS lady....you.are.CRAZY"). In all seriousness, I did look at her and say "um, that sounds really scary." And she proceeded to tell me how common it actually is (give me a poll...how many of you have had this done?), how safe it is, and how I'll be awake the whole time.

*crickets chirping*

I manage to squeak out "awake?" ("girlllll, YOU JUST DAMN NUTS. YOU BELONG IN A NUTHOUSE. YOU CA-RA-ZY").

After taking some time to think about it (yea, let's try that Zoloft stuff I didn't want to take, but is much better than this nutso stuff you be talkin about") I made my decision. I have to go back to the doctor at the end of June to evaluate how well this stuff is working.

And I have a sneaky suspicion that it is going to be working great.

Jon and Kate Season Premier

Of course I tuned in last night. And, I am by no means a fancy smanshy celebrity blogger or anything. But I am a normal gal who happened to love the story of J&K+8 especially due to the infertility aspect (albeit limited). So I feel entitled to tell what I think about it all. Because that's what I do. Please feel free to share your opinion too.

First of all, I am thoroughly pissed at Kate. I was shocked to actually hear her openly admit that she basically has hated her fans from the beginning. Um, I'm sorry, did you sign up for a reality TV show? Did you make millions from it? Are you officially rich and famous because of it? Ok. Please take a listen to Eminem's new song...."We're the one's who made you." That's because if nobody liked you, you would not be rich right now. So, hate us if you want, but we are starting to hate you too.

I always saw Kate as the queen of the house. She's the reason it runs well, she's the reason they survive daily. I still think that was the case way back at the beginning. Way back for the first three years or so. If it wasn't for her military-style parenting, they probably wouldn't have made it. But that's not the case anymore. I really liked them showing her planning for the party---*all by herself* Um, you went shopping, then sat on your ass and filled pinatas and bags. And you had tons of help! Your twins first of all, and your friends (what few you have left) and your PA!!! So, no, it was not all by yourself, like most moms actually do have to do.

And please, do not accept responsibility for your own actions in this situation. Do not accept that you are no longer at home, caring for your 8 kids, and being the mom you set out to be in the first place. Because it would be wrong of you to admit that you have changed an ungodly amount since the inception of this show. And it would be wrong of you to admit that all the reasons we loved J&K+8 in the first place are gone. Gone are the struggles of daily life with 8 kids, gone are the struggles of paying for groceries, shopping for groceries, doing laundry, ect, ect. That's why we all fell in love with your show. Not because you are tan (of which you are over doing it BTW), not because you looked all dolled up all the time (I mean, heels to the party store? Come on!!), not because you are bitchy to your kids (um, when they come to you crying and you turn them around and tell them to basically leave you alone....).

And for Jon. Dude. I feel sorry for you. My opinion of Jon is that he is a sad little dude being hauled through the ringer by his money and power-hungry wife. Of course he found someone else to fill the void. Kate's never home and when she is home she's a bitch to him. What do you expect?

So, my honest opinion is that they started this process for the right reasons. I think they did need money, they did want their kid's lives to be on film and they knew they wouldn't have time for that. I believe they had the best of intentions. I also believe that they didn't realize that it would become as big as it is. I mean, nobody probably expects America to fall in love with your family. I wouldn't anyways. I think Kate enjoyed it all a little too much and let it all go to her head. And it changed her. She has turned into a diva and that just doesn't mix well with a mother of 8. And Jon doesn't know how to deal with it.

To fix it: as much as it pains me to say....get the cameras out of the house, get some marriage counseling, stop the book tours, the traveling, all of that jazz. And get back on track.